I Can't Do This Alone
by admiral-cain
Summary: “Everybody hates me.” It slipped from Rachel’s lips before she could stop it.


**I Can't Do This Alone**

Gripping the white porcelain sink, Rachel let the tears fall, mingling with the droplets of water on her face until the two became indiscernible from each other. It hadn't been different than any other day, really, with the hushed comments she'd learned to ignore years before. Even getting slushied was really no different than most days, she'd learned to expect it. So, like always, she'd packed an extra outfit and makeup, so when the cool stickiness of the liquid hit her face she wouldn't feel the need to panic. It had become a simple operation. All she had to do was walk to her locker, grab her emergency kit, and walk to the bathroom. When her hair was clean, outfit changed, and makeup reapplied, she would walk out of the bathroom with her head held high. For the first time in a long time, Rachel Berry found herself unable to do just that.

She couldn't just walk out with her head up and head to Glee practice, not when she knew that Kurt and Mercedes would be there. They'd been standing right next to her, and they'd laughed. She knew they were trying to hide it, but the smug look they had in their eyes was not lost on her. She didn't know why it hurt her so much, to know that everyone in Glee would laugh if put in the same situation as Kurt and Mercedes. She just knew they all would. Rachel's body shook with the force of her sobs, locks of wet hair sticking to her face and neck, dripping water onto her clean sweater. For a moment, she looked up, gazing at herself in the mirror. Even through the filter of her tears, she could tell how pathetic she looked, and pathetic is exactly what she was.

It was pathetic how devoted she was to Glee club, and how devoted she was to everyone in it. She was even devoted to Quinn, who'd never given her a single reason to care. Sure, she was confident and self-centered and high maintenance, but she cared about every single member of Glee Club without exception, despite their obvious dislike of her. They were just putting up with her because they needed her to sing for the club, not because they actually liked her or cared about her in any way. Finn was at least nice to her, but it had become clear that he was far too dim to every care about her on the level that she needed someone to. He'd never asked her about herself, not really, never about what she wanted for herself. Never had anyone else.

It was assumed that she was going to continue on to college in New York and get it big and become 'Rachel Berry' with her name in lights instead of with gold stars. They all assumed she would just leave Lima behind as soon as graduation passed and never look back. No one had ever stopped to ask her how she felt about her dreams, what she really planned to do, or why she wanted to do it. No one ever asked her if she was scared about it, or nervous, no one ever stopped to think for a minute that maybe she was just as insecure as everyone else. No, she was just Rachel Berry, the insufferable girl with a terrible taste in clothes that was going to leave them all behind the first chance she got.

Rachel let out a pained chuckle at the irony. And to think, she'd once thought that the kids in Glee club were the kind of friends that were worth coming back to Lima for. She still thought they were that kind of friend, but only for each other, not for her. Even in a group of twelve, a group that had bonded through unwanted pregnancies and dating and breaking up, through winning and through losing, she was completely and utterly alone.

Every moment she spent with the Glee Club made her wonder if college was going to be exactly like high school. Would everyone she met be so annoyed with her that they would only put up with her for her talent? Would she never find someone who wanted to look deeper in to her, past the façade that was Rachel Berry with a gold star who dreamed of Rachel Berry in lights, who would dig deep enough to find the girl that was simply Rachel? She was so sick and tired of the superficial, of putting on the greatest show of her career by coming to school every day with a smile of her face and her head held high. She was tired of lying in bed at night, plagued by nightmares of loneliness and insecurity that not even her tears could heal. She was tired of being everything she'd built for herself. She'd never realized that she'd stop being human in the eyes of everyone she knew, that they'd stop trying to care about her. As her hands gripped the sink a little tighter, she found herself wishing that someone, anyone would just stop and take a second to ask her if she was okay.

Almost as it by fate, the sound of the door being pushed open hit Rachel's ears, and she forced away the tears that were falling readily down her cheeks. She hoped that whoever it was would think that she just hadn't dried her face yet, that her tears were really just water, and that they would simply stare at her for a moment and then continue on with their day. Much to the brunette's dismay, however, it was Quinn Fabray who stood in the doorway like a deer in headlights, the door swinging shut behind her. Quinn was far smarter than most people gave her credit for, and Rachel knew she was caught by the absolutely worst person who could've caught her. She'd had preferred Santana over Quinn, because while Santana was a bitch, Quinn could be ruthless.

Hurriedly, she wiped her face off with her sleeve, aware of how absolutely vulnerable she was. For the longest time, Quinn didn't move, didn't talk, just stood in the doorway. Her blonde locks framed her face, accentuating the gold in her hazel eyes in a way that Rachel had discovered was stunning after Quinn had been kicked off the Cheerios. They stared at each other, Quinn absolutely still and Rachel with tears beginning to brim in her eyes once more. The singer was the one to break their connection, her eyes returning to the bowl of the sink she was leaning against once more. Moving gracefully, Quinn turned and flipped the lock on the door, a noise that registered as no more than a click of metal on metal as soft tears flowed from her eyes and dripped off the tip of her nose.

In that moment, she hated herself more than ever before. Now she was completely and utterly vulnerable in front of the one person who would utilize her vulnerability the best, the person who could destroy her faster than she could process. It just made her cry harder, and her tears didn't slow as she felt warm hands on her sides, turning her to face Quinn. The blonde didn't hesitate in wrapping her arms around Rachel, pulling her as firmly as she could against her. Rachel didn't resist.

It was odd, the feeling that tainted her insides as Quinn held her. It wasn't a feeling of disgust, or of anger, or of fear, it was something else entirely. Her shoulders wracked with sobs and her nails dug in to the soft flesh underneath Quinn's dress, but Quinn never let go. She just held her, her embrace speaking words neither girl could comprehend. Rachel's tears began to slow as a feeling of warmth and security enveloped her. Even as she began to regain her senses and realize that it truly was Quinn Fabray holding her so close, that feeling never disappeared. If anything, it just seemed to pervade her further.

"Your dress is all wet." Rachel's observation was both obvious and quiet, muffled by the fact that her face was still buried in the space between Quinn's shoulder and her neck. She smelled sweet, like vanilla.

"I know." Quinn was speaking back just as softly, no venom in her voice. Rachel knew she should be on high alert, watching out for the knife that the former Cheerio was bound to want to plunge into her back at any minute, but she couldn't bring herself to tear away from her embrace. It conveyed everything Rachel wanted from someone in that moment. Her desperation kept her from caring that such compassion was coming from her archenemy. At least somebody cared, even if it was only until Quinn decided that she should use this moment of vulnerability against her. "Rachel…" As she trailed off, Rachel dissolved into tears once more, fingers twisting in the material of Quinn's dress. Neither of them spoke, the only noise in the room being the sound of Rachel's sobs echoing off the bathroom walls.

Rachel just couldn't understand it. She couldn't understand why she was, in that moment, so perfectly willing to fall into the arms of someone who despised her and cry her eyes out. She didn't understand why she continued to do so even when she realized the hundreds of ways Quinn could use this moment of weakness against her. She didn't understand why she was so compelled to spill her guts and admit things that she'd never even told her fathers. She figured it probably had to do with the fact that Quinn was acting like she cared about her, and even though it was fake, it was more than anyone else bothered to give her.

"Everybody hates me." It slipped from her lips before she could stop it. She shut her mouth tightly, forcing it into a sharp line, physically preventing herself from revealing anything else on a whim. Quinn stayed silent for a moment, like she was trying to think of what to say. What she settled on was neither as graceful nor as venomous as Rachel had expected.

"No, they don't." The certainty in Quinn's voice threw Rachel off for a moment, and in that moment it clicked that the blonde was being completely and utterly serious about this situation. It wasn't an underhanded attempt to destroy her, she wasn't prying for information. She cared, but she was sorely mistaken. Rachel pulled herself from Quinn's embrace, the loss of the warmth making her skin tingle unpleasantly.

"You're wrong, Quinn. I would know better than you." The singer turned to face the mirror, her eyes bloodshot and puffy from her tears, her hair still sticking to her face. "I see the way that everyone looks at me. Everyone in Glee just puts up with me for the sake of the club, and everybody else doesn't bother pretending like they like me. It's not like it isn't obvious."

Quinn didn't speak, her hazel eyes fixated on Rachel's by proxy of the mirror, the intensity in her gaze unsettling. It was obvious that she was being far too serious for this to have been some sort of ploy to undermine her, but Rachel couldn't think of another reason that the pregnant girl would be staring at her with such intent.

"Just go, I don't need you." Rachel broke their stare as she spoke, instead choosing to fix her gaze downwards. Quinn didn't move, nor did she speak. She just stood and continued to stare until the hairs on the back of Rachel's neck began to stand up. "Please, will you leave?"

"No." Quinn's reply was loud, much louder than either of them had been speaking before, and it made the brunette jump. "I'm not leaving. You need somebody here with you. " She paused for a moment as Rachel turned to face her, the look on her face something between surprise and worry. "And I don't hate you, so actually, you're the one who's wrong." As Quinn continued, Rachel saw her begin to dissolve from confident and calculated to something entirely the opposite. In a way, it was comforting to Rachel to know that the other girl was just as lost in this whole situation as she was.

"Listen, let's skip Glee today, okay? We can just go for a drive, or something." Rachel found herself nodding to Quinn's proposal without thinking about it. It wasn't like she could really go in and face the rest of the club with the way she looked, anyway, and she really didn't want to have to see Mercedes or Kurt.

In the span of a few minutes, Rachel dried her hair and reapplied some basic makeup while Quinn watched from across the room. Afterwards, the brunette followed her to her car, neither quite sure what to say to the other but not wanting to back out. Conversation loosened as soon as the engine started in Quinn's small car and they backed out of the school parking lot, and it ended up with both girls sharing more than they were really comfortable with sharing. Rachel couldn't speak for Quinn, but to her, it just felt right. It felt like it was okay to open up and to talk about how she was feeling. Quinn must've felt the same, because she kept sharing things that Rachel's was sure she'd never told Brittany or Santana, or even Finn, for that matter. It was nice, and that was the only way she could think to describe it.

They drove all over Lima and back again, ending up in front of the Berry household right after the sun dipped below the horizon. Quinn put the car in park as Rachel turned to her, a smile painted gently on her lips.

"Thank you, Quinn. I had a really good time today." Her voice was soft, but not out of weakness or sorrow, but instead something else she couldn't quite place. It left her feeling warm and shaky, but in the best way possible. Quinn smiled back at her in a way that reached her eyes, lighting them up despite the encroaching darkness. When she leaned it, it was slow and paced, like she was giving them both time to back out. Neither did, and her lips landed softly on Rachel's cheek.

"You're welcome." Rachel could feel Quinn's breath tickle her as she spoke, before the blonde pulled back. With fumbling fingers, she tugged on the door handle to open the door before stepping out of the car. Her cheeks were burning hot, and she was certain that it was obvious even against her skin tone. As she shut the door to the car, she dared to turn back and look at Quinn, who was staring straight at her. The blonde smiled, softly, tentatively, and Rachel smiled back in the same way. The smile couldn't help but linger, especially not when she could've sworn that Quinn's cheeks were just as flushed as hers, even in the dim light of dusk.


End file.
